T for Tinder

I have been a part of the online world for a long long time now. When it comes to online connections I've had my share of ICQ accounts, MSN messengers and names that I cant even remember. I have also been an early member into social networks, networking sites going back to when Twitter was alien or when Friendster (you may be too young to know) existed. Now that I think back, maybe I've been around so long and seen such good times in this virtual world that this toxic change has begun to disgust me.

So anyway before I start I must say that the experiences I describe below are not solely mine but a mix of stuff that has happened to me, friends and through acquaintances. It is a random generalization of things just for fun, just for you to read and smile in these dark times, so please do not take everything written below too seriously. However, if you do identify yourself as any of the below, then maybe you should :)

So, coming back to the topic, this was sometime in mid May 2019, I was 35 and single and obviously oblivious to the online dating game as I had been away from social media barring my Facebook or Instagram accounts. A lot of my friends recommended I get on dating apps and God what a terrible mistake that was. At that time I remember creating an account on then popular Tinder. I was at dinner at a married couples house and randomly swiping left and right (almost always left) on the dinner table. To my dismay my friends husband, the very house I was eating dinner at was on my phones screen. I was devastated and felt my stomach churning and literally didn't know what to do. Obviously I deleted my account instantly and swore off these apps.

During "The Pandemic". I faced a lot of flak from my close friends and family about how I was not putting myself "out there" (I have absolutely no clue what that ever means but whatever) and how I will never meet someone if I don't reach out blah blah blah. So to save my conscience and for never wanting to blame myself for not trying enough, I created 2 accounts. One on a matrimonial site (this didn't last long at all because I didn't know how to use that horrible interface, the spam it caused in my inbox and overall regressive attitude of having to connect with a boy's parents rather than himself (like dude you're at least 40, may want to grow up now), having random women including siblings and parents calling me continuously and chasing me around and the heights being when a friend called me on behalf of someone and I said no, he started asking about himself!!  I mean it just didn't work) and the second a profile on a dating app.

Now I have to admit that I didn't really meet anyone through the app thanks to the pandemic but thanks to the little swiping I did, the minimum conversations I had and the endless conversations I have had with my girlfriends on this topic I can safely categorize men on dating apps in the below categories

The He-Man-  I was contemplating giving a He-Man reference because who knows if you millennials even know who He-Man is. Anyway, so this is the category of those gym going, protein shake drinking, ab showing men who are at least according to their pictures or profiles only working out, cause there's no way in hell you can achieve that body by going to work (ha ha). I can imagine meeting He-Man at Lokhandwala Barista where is aspiring to be a Bollywood actor. He is crazy about his appearance as he is of his partners. Conversations mostly begin with "did you go to the gym"? or "I ran 10kms today" and pretty much end there as well. Not really sure what they are looking for on an app, meeting models like them I suppose. 

The Mummy's Boy-  Aww, he's the cutie. The chocolate boy with more often than not a picture of himself hugging his mother. Why on a dating app, who knows. So he's like the good boy who never makes the first move, has good manners not to ask you for your phone number the instant you swipe right and definitely respects you when you tell him you are not ready to meet him. He is mostly cute and loves spending time with his dog and going on treks or loves reading. However, he gets rather monotonous. Conversations with him often never continue after how are you?. But overall a decent variety, not the kind you detest, probably just unmatch in a week. Lets move on. 

The Bot-  One of the worst kind of profiles you could never interact with. Bots are often really good looking borderline hot. So initially your thought process could be like "he's out of my league". But then you begin chatting with The Bot. He seems to be exactly what you are looking for not only on apps but in the entire galaxy. He has most often than not scrutinized your profile and literally gives the answers to your questions like no one ever does. He seems like your perfect dream, your knight in shining armor, the reason why it never worked out with anyone else and then boom..one day, just like that, without a reason, he ghosts you. And for days you'll wonder what went wrong. For days you'll read and re read those texts, those messages analyzing, over analyzing, overthinking every word and you'll have no answer. Then you'll just convince yourself that you were probably talking to a computer, after all when did men get to be that perfect, right?

The "No Strings Attached Guy" - Love this variety. Has honesty written all over it. Almost always the most judged but in hindsight according to me at least they do not mislead anyone. Usually has their martial status (mostly married) written in CAPS, along with things like JUST HERE FOR FUN, CASUAL STUFF ONLY, MY WIFE KNOWS followed by a DONT JUDGE or some random stuff like that. Quite amusing to read most times and I mean at least you get what you want, if that is indeed what you want. (not judging :)).

The Misleaders  - Another, horrible horrible category. From the face of the profile he will seem just like the bot variety. Good looking, decent almost always well educated and more often than not his work place will be close to yours. You look forward to catching up with him sometime. Speaks well, speaks limited and mostly speaks sense all with a sense of humour. You sometimes end up on phone calls, make plans to meet and no unlike the bot he doesn't ghost you. What he does is worse. He either meets you over a romantic date and tells you how he is married but its all "chill". He either has endless hours of phone calls with you long enough to know your grandmothers name to then tell you that he is in a committed relationship but "unhappy" or meets you multiple times and takes you on the best dates after which when you give the slightest sign of wanting a relationship tells you he is indeed "commitment phobic". Always a catch sister, always a catch! 

Mr Polyamorous aka Mr "I have needs" After hearing things about apps and my own experiences I am so happy when I see an honest profile even though it may not match what I am looking for. Mr Polyamorous is usually quite transparent in his profile so you can choose to swipe left or right depending what you are looking for . He has needs and he has no qualms mentioning it on his dating profile :)

The I was born to be friend zoned After all in the words of my love Sharukh Khan, "pyaar dosti hai" right? :) By the way online friendships do exist. I have been in one for 13 years and counting. 

The Quintessential Liar The trust of the innocent is a liars biggest tool. And man do they know how to use this tool. Disgusting category. Everything is a lie. Sometimes even their profile pictures. Hope you never come across one of their kind. 

Married & Browsing Probably got married because it was the "right" age to do so. Now according to their profiles they are "casually browsing", "here to make friends", "my wife knows I am here" and mostly each profile will end with a "don't judge". Well, I will, so delete your profile and work on your marriage or divorce your wife if you don't want me to. 

Mr Suspicious  He should have a detective show of his own or sometimes he could also be like an undercover agent. He is so suspicious of everything you tell him until you are literally exhausted giving explanations for every little thing you say. He will second guess you till you reach your wits end. Sometimes I don't blame him. Maybe he has come across the female version of Mr Quintessential Liar. 

Divorced & Scarred  Men often call women emotional fools and full of baggage but if you really want to understand the true meaning of emotional baggage you need to interact with someone from this category. This category probably got married when they weren't actually ready and obviously got divorced sooner or later. While he should probably be spending time with himself, here he is physically on apps but mentally scarred with his marriage experience. He is obviously not at all ready and tends to dump all his emotional baggage on you and poor you with traumas of your own will suddenly find yourself being a counselor to a fully grown baby. No thank you! 

The Chipku  This variety I have personally experienced. Mostly harmless but just do not seem to get the message. You don't want to block them or ghost them because they are really nice and sweet and you wouldn't want them to go through the pain of the unknown that you've gone through so on most occasions you just choose to be nice to them. But they can be quite a pain in the butt. The Good Mornings, the good evenings ugh they can poke you till your last nerve and God knows that I have patience. They are also almost always ready to marry you without meeting you. Are virtual weddings all that's left now?

Stoned with ADHD  They are listening to you. Or are they? Almost everyday you are telling them what you do or where you are from. Somedays interested somedays disinterested. Somedays invested others strangers. You just convince yourself they are on something, cause this cannot possibly be real. Sometimes they are just stoned also, like..for real but hey don't judge. 

There is also the commitment phobic but we've seen MANY of those in real life to discuss...

Having said that, this is just meant to be taken very lightly. I am sure there are multiple amazing men and women out there on apps just waiting to find each other and who fit into none of these random generalizations. I am just hoping the one I am looking for is not looking for me virtually cause I have literally deleted every trace of me out there and intend to keep it that way for now :)