Never wish 2025 upon anybody

 I feel like laughing at my previous post. I was moaning the loss of my dear uncle and talking about grief and being the strong one and 2025 being a shit year. Little did I know what was coming my way.

The month after losing my uncle, I returned from a work trip to Chandigarh and got "the call". Yes, the one we never wanted to hear. Our best friend Saran, had given up after 13 years of fighting cancer. The only child of his parents, never drank, never smoked, best human being ever had left us for the heavens above. Rushed to Chennai, completed his last rights and seeing his parents and the torture of rituals they had to go through it just completely broke me and my friends.

Just as we were trying to survive, my mum was hospitalised for 2 weeks with something called as fever of the unknown origin. This was hard. I was barely recuping from Saran and to be holed into that hospital room with her like that for 14 days was hard. I don't know if I have mentioned but my mum and I were essentially the same people. 2 bodies and 1 soul. There is no one, and I can guarantee that there will be no one I will open up with, the way I was with her. 

Anyway so this is April, we barely came out of this, and June-July I gor really busy celebrating Ryna's 40th. We went to Alibaug, organised a party for her here in Mumbai and I remember spefically telling my mum that after a shit shit year, I am finally feeling that I am gaining myself back. I finally felt happy after months of torture. This continued in August when I went to Jaipur on a work trip and came back fully ready to conquer this world. Little did I know what was about to hit me.

On the night of 13th August, while I was at the website of Taj Lands End preparing for Ankur, to finally visit me in Mumbai, my mum, full healthy, in matters of seconds lost her life at a society meeting. Being 100m away from her I couldn't save her. That's when I realised, oh wait, that was not grief. This is what grief really is. From then till today, its been over 90 days, as if the torture of losing her, being the only child doing her last rights all alone was not enough, all we have done is doctors, tests and hospital visits with my dad.

The rainy days of August spending time at home, the gloom, the darkness I have seen and somewhere still am, I would wish nobody, not even my worst enemy goes through this pain. As if that was not enough, my father is now scheduled for surgery end of this month and we will be back to where this started "the hospital" as we wrap up this year.

This year only had challenges, I may have actually laughed once or twice in the whole year, the situation I am in, my fears, our birthdays, Diwali, now Christmas, it almost feels like happiness will never return without my mum. And even if it does, will we really feel it?

I never thought much about getting married cause I thought we would be together until I am much older and suddenly I feel almost orphaned and scared to do life all on my own.

Will I find the love I am looking for? Will I make it in life? Will I be able to cope with the loss of mum and practical day to day life? What will I do after dad? Who am I any more?

2025 you sucked....Give me one reason to keep the hope alive before you end. Please! 

Grief and unexpected roles we play

 

Grief has a strange way of turning our expectations upside down. When we imagine loss, we think of ourselves as the supporting cast—the ones offering a shoulder, making tea, sitting in quiet companionship. But sometimes, life pushes us into the center of the stage, making us the main character in a narrative we never asked to lead.

When someone close to us passes away, there’s a script we think will unfold. People will come together, support will flow naturally, and those grieving will find solace in the presence of others. But reality is often messier. In my case, I found myself at the heart of it all—not because I wanted to be, but because the weight of responsibility landed squarely on my shoulders. The people I expected to take charge withdrew from what had happened. And so, I became the one making arrangements, receiving visitors, holding space for others even as my own grief threatened to consume me.

One of the strangest parts of grief is observing how people behave around it. Some offer genuine, unwavering support. They show up, quietly and consistently. Others say the right things but disappear when action is required. Then there are those who react in ways you’d never expect—avoiding eye contact, offering empty platitudes, or even making the moment about themselves.

What I learned in the process is that grief is not just about the person who is gone; it’s also about the people left behind and how they cope, or fail to. It’s about the dynamics that shift in an instant, about relationships that are tested, and about discovering who truly stands beside you when the world feels unbearable.

For anyone who has found themselves thrust into the unexpected role of being the ‘strong one,’ I see you. I know the exhaustion, the frustration, the resentment, and the quiet moments when you wonder if anyone notices how much you are holding together. I also know that grief has a way of reshaping you, not just in pain, but in clarity—showing you who and what truly matters.

As for me, I look at it as a learning curve and somewhere I am glad that I was thrusted upon this duty by the universe to ensure that my dearest uncle receives the best farewell there couldve been. 

Turning 4-0H!

 Your girl turned the big 40 last September. Yep! I am as surprised as you are, considering my writing doesn't seem to have matured a day over 25. 

Lets start with all the fun bits. I had quite a few celebrations. Honestly, they were expected. I am definitely surrounded with a small but amazing set of people around me that do take the trouble to make me feel special every year so this year was no different. Started with a 40 days to 40 trip at the most stunning Fairmont Jaipur. If you ever get a chance please visit especially to sit and enjoy a Jaipur sling at their infamous Writers Bar. Truly an iconic experience. This was followed by a 30 days to 40 celebration at Koishii in Mumbai, I think this is the best Japanese food I have ever eaten. But, I haven't been to Wasabi nor have I actually been to Japan so I might not be the best judge. 

For 20 days to 40 you won't even believe what my friends pulled off. I don't know if I have written much about this in my blog as I only discovered the place long after I stopped writing regularly, but I always had this dream to visit Razdan Paas in Gurez Valley in Kashmir. I mean, for obvious reasons! From having to prove to people that I am indeed Kashmiri, to having a road that shares my last name, can't get more iconic. But at that time, Gurez belonged to Pakistan and it was practically impossible to get there. As things are quieter and better down in the valley now, Gurez is back to India and my friends planned a surprise weeked to get me all the way to Razdan Paas. It was the most insane trip of my life. When I actually saw my name right up there at 12,000 odd feet above sea level, I was in tears. We also managed to cut a cake up there which was all so very special. 

Coming to my 10 days to 40, yes guys this was an intense month haha, we went celebrating 3 of us (A virgo baby, a cusp baby and a libra baby) to Bombay Daak (please never go there). And right before the main 40, I took off for a few days to Dubai to spend time with my closest few. Friends joined me from all over the globe to make my 40th birthday celebration truly very special. I also tried the viral Dubai kunafa chocolate by the way. I quite loved it.

Now coming to the real part. Turning 40. Did I anticipate my life to be what it is at 40? Absolutely not. If you know me, I have always been the conventional type. I think I would have although honestly I cannot recall but a husband, children, a house by 40. Do I have any of that? Well, no. I am a mixed bag of emotions at the moment. While I am so glad some things did not pan out the way I had intended them to be, I also find it difficult sometimes to forgive myself for making such foolish choices even though my well wishers warned me otherwise. But, as they say, no life without hope. I am hopeful that destiny will give me another chance to learn from my mistakes and rebuild what I once thought was gone forever but with a stronger everlasting foundation.

My back has started hurting a little more since I turned 40 and I think my number has also increased, but here I am sipping tea from my pink Stanley cup as I type out this post trying to defy all odds just to prove myself that age is indeed just a number and it is never too late to chase your dreams. After all, I have still a 42km marathon to tick from my bucket list..prep for which hasn't even started yet.

Hope to write more soon...xx some pictures from the birthday that was.