Never wish 2025 upon anybody

 I feel like laughing at my previous post. I was moaning the loss of my dear uncle and talking about grief and being the strong one and 2025 being a shit year. Little did I know what was coming my way.

The month after losing my uncle, I returned from a work trip to Chandigarh and got "the call". Yes, the one we never wanted to hear. Our best friend Saran, had given up after 13 years of fighting cancer. The only child of his parents, never drank, never smoked, best human being ever had left us for the heavens above. Rushed to Chennai, completed his last rights and seeing his parents and the torture of rituals they had to go through it just completely broke me and my friends.

Just as we were trying to survive, my mum was hospitalised for 2 weeks with something called as fever of the unknown origin. This was hard. I was barely recuping from Saran and to be holed into that hospital room with her like that for 14 days was hard. I don't know if I have mentioned but my mum and I were essentially the same people. 2 bodies and 1 soul. There is no one, and I can guarantee that there will be no one I will open up with, the way I was with her. 

Anyway so this is April, we barely came out of this, and June-July I gor really busy celebrating Ryna's 40th. We went to Alibaug, organised a party for her here in Mumbai and I remember spefically telling my mum that after a shit shit year, I am finally feeling that I am gaining myself back. I finally felt happy after months of torture. This continued in August when I went to Jaipur on a work trip and came back fully ready to conquer this world. Little did I know what was about to hit me.

On the night of 13th August, while I was at the website of Taj Lands End preparing for Ankur, to finally visit me in Mumbai, my mum, full healthy, in matters of seconds lost her life at a society meeting. Being 100m away from her I couldn't save her. That's when I realised, oh wait, that was not grief. This is what grief really is. From then till today, its been over 90 days, as if the torture of losing her, being the only child doing her last rights all alone was not enough, all we have done is doctors, tests and hospital visits with my dad.

The rainy days of August spending time at home, the gloom, the darkness I have seen and somewhere still am, I would wish nobody, not even my worst enemy goes through this pain. As if that was not enough, my father is now scheduled for surgery end of this month and we will be back to where this started "the hospital" as we wrap up this year.

This year only had challenges, I may have actually laughed once or twice in the whole year, the situation I am in, my fears, our birthdays, Diwali, now Christmas, it almost feels like happiness will never return without my mum. And even if it does, will we really feel it?

I never thought much about getting married cause I thought we would be together until I am much older and suddenly I feel almost orphaned and scared to do life all on my own.

Will I find the love I am looking for? Will I make it in life? Will I be able to cope with the loss of mum and practical day to day life? What will I do after dad? Who am I any more?

2025 you sucked....Give me one reason to keep the hope alive before you end. Please! 

Grief and unexpected roles we play

 

Grief has a strange way of turning our expectations upside down. When we imagine loss, we think of ourselves as the supporting cast—the ones offering a shoulder, making tea, sitting in quiet companionship. But sometimes, life pushes us into the center of the stage, making us the main character in a narrative we never asked to lead.

When someone close to us passes away, there’s a script we think will unfold. People will come together, support will flow naturally, and those grieving will find solace in the presence of others. But reality is often messier. In my case, I found myself at the heart of it all—not because I wanted to be, but because the weight of responsibility landed squarely on my shoulders. The people I expected to take charge withdrew from what had happened. And so, I became the one making arrangements, receiving visitors, holding space for others even as my own grief threatened to consume me.

One of the strangest parts of grief is observing how people behave around it. Some offer genuine, unwavering support. They show up, quietly and consistently. Others say the right things but disappear when action is required. Then there are those who react in ways you’d never expect—avoiding eye contact, offering empty platitudes, or even making the moment about themselves.

What I learned in the process is that grief is not just about the person who is gone; it’s also about the people left behind and how they cope, or fail to. It’s about the dynamics that shift in an instant, about relationships that are tested, and about discovering who truly stands beside you when the world feels unbearable.

For anyone who has found themselves thrust into the unexpected role of being the ‘strong one,’ I see you. I know the exhaustion, the frustration, the resentment, and the quiet moments when you wonder if anyone notices how much you are holding together. I also know that grief has a way of reshaping you, not just in pain, but in clarity—showing you who and what truly matters.

As for me, I look at it as a learning curve and somewhere I am glad that I was thrusted upon this duty by the universe to ensure that my dearest uncle receives the best farewell there couldve been. 

Turning 4-0H!

 Your girl turned the big 40 last September. Yep! I am as surprised as you are, considering my writing doesn't seem to have matured a day over 25. 

Lets start with all the fun bits. I had quite a few celebrations. Honestly, they were expected. I am definitely surrounded with a small but amazing set of people around me that do take the trouble to make me feel special every year so this year was no different. Started with a 40 days to 40 trip at the most stunning Fairmont Jaipur. If you ever get a chance please visit especially to sit and enjoy a Jaipur sling at their infamous Writers Bar. Truly an iconic experience. This was followed by a 30 days to 40 celebration at Koishii in Mumbai, I think this is the best Japanese food I have ever eaten. But, I haven't been to Wasabi nor have I actually been to Japan so I might not be the best judge. 

For 20 days to 40 you won't even believe what my friends pulled off. I don't know if I have written much about this in my blog as I only discovered the place long after I stopped writing regularly, but I always had this dream to visit Razdan Paas in Gurez Valley in Kashmir. I mean, for obvious reasons! From having to prove to people that I am indeed Kashmiri, to having a road that shares my last name, can't get more iconic. But at that time, Gurez belonged to Pakistan and it was practically impossible to get there. As things are quieter and better down in the valley now, Gurez is back to India and my friends planned a surprise weeked to get me all the way to Razdan Paas. It was the most insane trip of my life. When I actually saw my name right up there at 12,000 odd feet above sea level, I was in tears. We also managed to cut a cake up there which was all so very special. 

Coming to my 10 days to 40, yes guys this was an intense month haha, we went celebrating 3 of us (A virgo baby, a cusp baby and a libra baby) to Bombay Daak (please never go there). And right before the main 40, I took off for a few days to Dubai to spend time with my closest few. Friends joined me from all over the globe to make my 40th birthday celebration truly very special. I also tried the viral Dubai kunafa chocolate by the way. I quite loved it.

Now coming to the real part. Turning 40. Did I anticipate my life to be what it is at 40? Absolutely not. If you know me, I have always been the conventional type. I think I would have although honestly I cannot recall but a husband, children, a house by 40. Do I have any of that? Well, no. I am a mixed bag of emotions at the moment. While I am so glad some things did not pan out the way I had intended them to be, I also find it difficult sometimes to forgive myself for making such foolish choices even though my well wishers warned me otherwise. But, as they say, no life without hope. I am hopeful that destiny will give me another chance to learn from my mistakes and rebuild what I once thought was gone forever but with a stronger everlasting foundation.

My back has started hurting a little more since I turned 40 and I think my number has also increased, but here I am sipping tea from my pink Stanley cup as I type out this post trying to defy all odds just to prove myself that age is indeed just a number and it is never too late to chase your dreams. After all, I have still a 42km marathon to tick from my bucket list..prep for which hasn't even started yet.

Hope to write more soon...xx some pictures from the birthday that was. 

Not your unpaid therapist

I hate starting every blogpost acknowledging that its been so long since I wrote the last one but particularly when you live in a fast pace city like Bombay, so much of you is consumed in mostly just about surviving it really becomes hard to actually find time you do something that you really enjoy, like for me, is writing, or updating this blog for me to read when I have retired and have nothing much to do

Work has taken over most of my life these days and I don't really know what all I have gained other than weight in the past 6 months because I have mostly spent my time as I mentioned earlier, surviving. Travel has been constant, but you know that's not really something I complain about. I did take the time out for 2 quick leisure trips, one to Goa for Holi which was hot but super relaxing and to Panchgani and Mahableshwar where I revisited my mum's childhood. It's crazy as to how when you are young you actually detest these experiences but once you are older you crave, nostalgia and memories. I'll post a few pictures at the bottom of this post from these trips. I also made a quick dash to Lonavala to celebrate W's 39th birthday. Truly when you hangout with your oldest friends, the feeling is incomparable to no other.

By the way, Bandra cafe scene has just been buzzing like crazy. Visited this place called August Moon few days ago, lovely, small cafe and such spectacular food. Sometimes I forget how much I like going and checking new places out. Lately have been in a recluse sort of phase, but hope to get my social butterfly phase back very soon. I will be headed to Bengaluru, Gurgaon, Jaipur, Pune, Ahmedabad and Chandigarh in the next few months and hope to try out some local experiences there as well of course keeping my diet in check sadly.

I was just thinking how without blinking an eye-lid most of 2023 is almost over.. While I hope to spend the rest of the year indulging in some self-care, not just physically but also mentally, I realized most of time goes in counseling others, the best part being, I don't even think they want my advice haha . Look, from the very beginning, I have been that person who people come to when they are sad. They tell me about their inner dark secrets, frivolous problems and various other issues and honestly, I always am really good with keeping all this information within me and offering advice whether they have asked for it or not. At the end of these exercises, they feel extremely light having downloaded all their issues on me. Me, on the other hand who is already dealing with a lot of my own issues (I am not really big on sharing as I usually dislike looking like a victim) is now burdened with their problems as well. 

So basically, I am here offering therapy like an unqualified expert even when not asked for and without having no sense of balance in my own life :). And most of these people anyway are way more successful in life than me so really not sure what I can add to their life anyway. Hence, slowly but surely, I will work on being just a little bit selfish and concentrating on my self because that's an area I neglect the most and work towards at least being capable enough to be someone's unpaid therapist. And like my friend always tells me. Don't give advice until someone asks you for it. Well, I am going to try

Another area of my life that really needs work, is giving benefit of doubt to people especially that belong to the opposite sex. Funnily enough, my observation tells me that I am very very soft in my behaviour towards men (not necessarily romantic interests) due to which I am often taken for granted or even treated as a pushover, which I will definitely not want to be. Friendship is about effort. Give and take. And sometimes, be being me, I only want to give until i am completely depleted of everything including self respect. So henceforth, I will only have to offer what you are able to give me. For both sexes, all relationships in my life. This is going to be a mammoth task for me because being a Virgo, service is inherent in my nature and nothing makes me more happy than doing something that makes someone else happy. Which I will continue to do, only not at the cost of my happiness.

As I turn closer to the big 40 in 2024, I hope I am able to focus this year of my life working on bringing a balance back into my life. Something that I lost a few years ago. Something that I will have to work very hard to achieve. But what's life without some kickass goals right ? :)

Hope to be able to write more sooner than later! Take care.

 

 Pictures- 1st row- Panchgani, 2nd row- Lonavala, 3rd row- Goa

 

 

 

Work in Progress Always

 It's become some what a norm for me to begin any post with "It's been a while" but going by my regularity (well lack of it) on this blog there seems to be no better opening line to start with.

Well what happened since April? I went back to Australia after 3 years! It honestly felt lovely but after I have come back, things spiralled down very quickly for reasons best known to me for now. Anyway, in September I did manage a quick trip to Kashmir which is always so lovely. You know, without a bias I have to say some of the best people with the best hearts live in Kashmir, at least going by my experience. I met a French lady who is married to Kashmiri man and lives in a village near Sonmarg, runs a home stay for past 22 years. It was so refreshing to meet her, learn from her about how to live with what you have happily and it honestly makes you think how little you really need in life to be really happy.

I have always been of the belief and lately even more so that people living in the city like us, are always chasing. Sometimes, I feel we don't even know what we are chasing but we are just running that rat race because there's no other way we know. And then even when you do achieve what you think you wanted it doesn't really give you that happiness from within that you hoped you would get. I don't know maybe its just me but to me true content is a life with equal balance of work and pleasure. EQUAL. and pleasure includes a lot of quality time with people you love creating memories of experiences and not things that you own. Makes sense?

Over these past few months there is also something new I learnt about myself. Apparently, I fear a lot. I am very scared and come across as very timid which often causes people to walk all over me and often I come across as someone who is not very sure of themselves. Even though this is an inaccurate judgement of my personality, professionally I have had to face quite a few set backs lately. I suppose in today's world where everyone is out there yelling their mediocre selves on social media and so busy selling themselves there is often not too many space left for the quieter ones who are listening more than they are talking and offering more quality over just pure nonsense. I think it is also important to realise that the world is made up of different personality types and if one person does not match yours does not mean that they are imperfect or need improvement. We are all work in progress after all

I head out for a 7 day, 7 city work trip next week, its going to be super duper hectic. This December does not feel like the usual ones where social life used to take over from everyone visiting from all over the globe. To be honest, I am done with 2022 and I have no hopes from 2023 either. 

If I don't see you before that, wishing you all A Merry Christmas a A Happy 2023. Thank you for still continuing to read my blog :)

PS: My wish for 2023, if I can be super honest would be to find my true love :) But we know how that's been going hahaha 

Cheers!  

Just popping in..

A little late in the day I know, well 4 months is not really a little late but as I’ve said before I can’t really get myself to write unless I really really want to. One of the main reasons amongst many others that I couldn’t pick it as a career option. Firstly I am typing this post out from my phone in an awkward lying down position so please excuse any typos and grammatical errors.

I have two drafts here which I think is too late to complete now, one about my holiday in December 2021 to Mashobara, Chail and Solan which was just so magical. If like me you are just looking to chill and do nothing I highly recommend the ITC property in Chail. Beautiful, relaxing and the perfect place to lounge and do nothing. I didn’t realise how much I needed a break until I took that one

Then again I am super late but if anyone still reads this blog let me take a moment to wish you a belated but a Happy 2022. May this year be happy, healthy and full of travel for all of us. Speaking of travel I am finally going back to Sydney after 2.5 years which is just insane. A little nervous, a little skeptical but also a little excited to begin long haul travel again 

Life has been really hectic. I am currently working 2 full time jobs which really gives me time for nothing else outside of it. 

Last weekend I visited a drive in theatre for the first time to watch a movie. It is on the rooftop of a mall that is actually attached to my office building. The experience was good fun but the sound quality is not that great. Let me try and add a picture or two towards the end if possible 

I am also quite bored of being single now. It’s been a while and I think I should now actively seek something new. I tried downloading a few dating apps but it’s so boring and so repetitive and literally everyone out there is married which is why I deleted all of them 

Other than that there is nothing that I can remember that I need to update right now so signing off and hopefully will come back with some exciting stuff as against these dull updates soon

Adios 

3:11

 I will never forget this date. 3/11/2016, 3/11/2019 and 3/11/2021. In the future this will either turn out to be the best date of my life or the worst. I hope and pray that it is the former. Let’s wait and watch… only time will reveal all.