I feel like laughing at my previous post. I was moaning the loss of my dear uncle and talking about grief and being the strong one and 2025 being a shit year. Little did I know what was coming my way.
The month after losing my uncle, I returned from a work trip to Chandigarh and got "the call". Yes, the one we never wanted to hear. Our best friend Saran, had given up after 13 years of fighting cancer. The only child of his parents, never drank, never smoked, best human being ever had left us for the heavens above. Rushed to Chennai, completed his last rights and seeing his parents and the torture of rituals they had to go through it just completely broke me and my friends.
Just as we were trying to survive, my mum was hospitalised for 2 weeks with something called as fever of the unknown origin. This was hard. I was barely recuping from Saran and to be holed into that hospital room with her like that for 14 days was hard. I don't know if I have mentioned but my mum and I were essentially the same people. 2 bodies and 1 soul. There is no one, and I can guarantee that there will be no one I will open up with, the way I was with her.
Anyway so this is April, we barely came out of this, and June-July I gor really busy celebrating Ryna's 40th. We went to Alibaug, organised a party for her here in Mumbai and I remember spefically telling my mum that after a shit shit year, I am finally feeling that I am gaining myself back. I finally felt happy after months of torture. This continued in August when I went to Jaipur on a work trip and came back fully ready to conquer this world. Little did I know what was about to hit me.
On the night of 13th August, while I was at the website of Taj Lands End preparing for Ankur, to finally visit me in Mumbai, my mum, full healthy, in matters of seconds lost her life at a society meeting. Being 100m away from her I couldn't save her. That's when I realised, oh wait, that was not grief. This is what grief really is. From then till today, its been over 90 days, as if the torture of losing her, being the only child doing her last rights all alone was not enough, all we have done is doctors, tests and hospital visits with my dad.
The rainy days of August spending time at home, the gloom, the darkness I have seen and somewhere still am, I would wish nobody, not even my worst enemy goes through this pain. As if that was not enough, my father is now scheduled for surgery end of this month and we will be back to where this started "the hospital" as we wrap up this year.
This year only had challenges, I may have actually laughed once or twice in the whole year, the situation I am in, my fears, our birthdays, Diwali, now Christmas, it almost feels like happiness will never return without my mum. And even if it does, will we really feel it?
I never thought much about getting married cause I thought we would be together until I am much older and suddenly I feel almost orphaned and scared to do life all on my own.
Will I find the love I am looking for? Will I make it in life? Will I be able to cope with the loss of mum and practical day to day life? What will I do after dad? Who am I any more?
2025 you sucked....Give me one reason to keep the hope alive before you end. Please!
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