So much has happened!

It's 2020! What the hell. 2020 used to be the year I never imagined would come. The year the world would end. The year that seemed so so far away.
Well, nothing like that happened and here I am writing my first blog post after 3 years. Lots has happened in the past 3 years. More than anything, I've grown up. Experiences in life can teach you a lot.
Well over the last 3 years I lost my grandmother who I was extremely close to. I faced 2 huge health scares one related to my mother and the other to my father. I moved on from things I was holding on to which were of no significance to me anymore and more than anything else I moved on from saying yes to things I actually wanted to say no to.
I often find myself like a fish out of water in this complicated world. Like I don't fit in. It is manipulative, competitive and we are constantly using every ounce of our energy to run after things which I'm not sure we even want.
I crawled through my first 10k few weeks ago. I've never been into running. Ever! If you know me you would know that forget running, I wouldn't even walk unless I really had to. I have to be super honest with you. I signed up for this 10k somewhere around mid 2019 and then forgot all about it..

On November 1st 2019 for many reasons that I do not really want to get in to but for no fault of mine I was described by someone who I once held dear with the choicest of adjectives which I never imagined to be used to describe me. Except for one word that was indeed true among all the lies. "Unfit".  That hit me so hard that I signed up with my nutritionist, got a personal trainer and got things going for me in the right direction. However, there was always this heavy weight on my chest and I could not get all those words out of my mind for I knew that I was not any of those things that were used to describe me. There were times I wanted to scream my side of the story and tell everyone the real truth but I decided against it. Those who have to stick with me will. Those who don't aren't worth the convincing anyway.

During these days I also ended up having a lot more free time with the year ending, Christmas holidays etc. So, I decided to give running a shot. Initially, I struggled to even walk. My feet used to burn in like 15 minutes and I thought I would die from all the pain. But slowly I started picking up the rhythm, I started feeling that it was like the therapy I needed. My very close friends started encouraging me, Hell they even signed up for a 10k just so that they could walk besides me to support me. And this is inspite of going through surgeries and cancelling attending weddings. Close friends that were running triple the distance I was constantly motivated and believed in me more than I believed in myself
That's when I realized I had to do this. For them but also most importantly for me. Not to show the person who described me using those negative adjectives or who compared me to someone new like I was an old car ready to be junked but for me to show myself that I was capable of what seemed the impossible in my life
And I did...

Back

Can't believe I am writing again. I doubt any of you still read my blog but thank you to all those who did until I wrote last. So life's been ok. I read my previous posts and they serve as such wonderful memories (good and bad) of my past and hence I've decided to continue documenting my life so that I'll have something interesting to read in my old age.
So life since I left this place last? Well, It's been interesting, a mixed bag of emotions, stress, achievements, travel..typical I guess. We lost my nani earlier this year which has been really hard on me since she lived with us for 10 whole years. Its insane how close we were but I'm going to reserve a whole blogpost for nani later.
I'm going to be 33 in a couple of months and the thought of it is freaking me out. Yes I know age is just a number and blah blah but I am amazed at the pace at which life is moving. It feels just like yesterday I was a carefree girl living in the moment, doing exactly what I pleased and suddenly I have responsibilities, things to think about, savings to make, a future to decide, people who I need to decide my future with.
During this time I have also developed new friendships. Some old friendships that have gotten sour. Some old friendships that have gotten stronger. Some old friendships that went through rough phases and emerged stronger and some new friendships that I hope to continue forever.
Personal travel has taken a backseat because as I mentioned earlier I am more conscious and have other responsibilities, but I plan to change this because traveling is my passion and all I need to do is plan better.
You know what's weird though? Life and incidents in it have made me insecure as person which I never was. I don't know if it is the unsure future, the lack of trust in individuals or the fact that its been so long that I've been independent I've forgotten what it is to trust other people and their decisions?
The worst feeling in the world is to be cheated upon. This doesn't only apply onto relationships it can be in any sphere of life. I think that is something that would break me and it would be really hard for be to bounce back. I appreciate people who tell me the truth on my face. It hurts but trust me I much prefer it cause at least its honest. Lies are the biggest form of betrayal that anyone can face and I try my level best to avoid lying to people.
Anyway, this was just another welcome back me, or a Hi! I'm alive post. More, hopefully optimistic stuff to be up soon
Say hello if you're still going to be reading and that will motivate me to continue writing

Until then!

Are you a believer?

Today while walking on the Carter Road promenade listening to my favourite U2 I came across some graffiti. Amidst all the mess the local boy clubs were trying to make with the spray paint I came across something written in bold black letters "It's all written" I can't help but think if we really have a purpose in this world or are we playing a role that someone somewhere has already written for us.
It explains a lot doesn't it? Destiny is quite a convenient option or an easy answer  to solving a problem. Can't get something done? Blame it on destiny. Better still come up with the whole "ultimately it's destined but you have the power to alter your destiny" Really? I don't know if it's the cynic in me typing but I don't think we are destined to do anything. I'm not sure if my role in this life is already written by someone else and if I'm only playing the part I'm supposed to be playing. I don't think people walk in or out of my life because they are destined to. I'm sure I have at least a little to do with it. Or maybe I haven't understood the concept of destiny correctly and hence I'm so cynical about it.
I guess all I'm trying to say is let's take onus of our actions, learn from our mistakes,try to rectify messed
up situations and stop waiting for "something" to happen cause trust me, nothing will and all you'll do is sigh and say "what can I do? It was not in my destiny"!
Ps: written on my phone in a moving vehicle. Excuse the grammatical errors

Walk away

I wrote this some time back...still feel the same so thought I'll post it

I am very weird when it comes to relationships. Whether they involve family, friends or someone special, I've always been awkward when it comes to sharing what I really think. Maybe its the introvert in me but out of what I've read about introverts they don't generally share their feelings. Me? I take it to another level and show people who I care about the most that I really don't care about them
Complicated you may say? Of course! It drives me nuts! I cannot under any circumstance tell anyone if I think of them fondly or what they mean to me.In fact I am so awkward I do the strangest things to drive people away. And then I moan and moan and moan.
Why can't I keep things simple and straightforward? Is it that I'm scared of people disliking me? Am I insecure of losing people who I consider close to me? Or am I so scared of hurting my feelings that I feel the need to put on a I don't care exterior to protect myself?
I need to figure this out...

I'm Alive!

It's a good thing writing a blog like mine, which nobody reads. No one really misses you when you are away for that long.. Other than my darling Z who religiously reads and urges me to write more often. Also, PP! I'm back for you too..
Anyway, so it's been more than a year I think since I wrote last and very surprisingly not much has changed. I've changed jobs which keeps me busy but other than that I didn't write earlier cause I had nothing major to share or write about. I still don't to be honest.
Life has been pretty much the routine, contrary to the very false belief that people have about me having some high flying traveling job, which I don't get. I mean if I check-in to Trivandrum airport or Nagpur airport on facebook and people go "oooh so lucky" I judge them. Haha! Seriously? If going to Trivandrum is the sole purpose of your life, buy a ticket and go there! I once even got the "oh I love your job cause you visit different hotel beds daily" Little do they know that thanks to my really bad back owing to all these hotel beds, I've had nights where I've had to sleep on the hard wooden floor of these fancy hotels!
Obviously you see the good stuff on Facebook, you see people going on holidays, honeymoons, check-in to the best hotels, theme parks wherever! But you can't judge or be jealous of their life only thanks to where they check-in on facebook or through their pictures! What do you know whats going on beyond? No one
(at least I hope not many people I know) will check in to the Family court saying- "Just got divorced" or put up a picture of themselves crying after a bad break up! So stop judging and start living. Stop caring about how someone got somewhere and put in effort to get somewhere yourself. If you want to travel, work, save money, buy a ticket and get there. You want a bikini body, stop eating and start working out. It's as simple as that.
Envy is not the answer to your problems. Hardwork is!

Decisions

I wish there was some device where I could feed in information and would automatically take a decision for me.I absolutely hate taking decisions. I have prolonged matters for as long as I could and hence lost out on a lot of things in numerous situations. And yet magically life always puts me or I guess all of us at some point into situations where we have to take life changing decisions time and again. Will they work? Won't they? Only time can tell.
I entered a world. A whole new world which was completely different from where I came from. It was large. It was beautiful. I met so many people. They became friends. Good friends. I learnt new things, got tremendous support and was encouraged to always try new things.
Yet however a time has come again in my life where I have to move on to something new. Will I miss that world that I called mine? Of course! But am I ready to give my life another chance to start a whole new chapter? I think I am...
Good or bad, only time can tell.
But that doesn't mean we don't try does it?

Time of Our Lives

Just want to tell you all that I love you guys! Dedicated to our friendship and only hope it gets stronger!..Muah