Never wish 2025 upon anybody

 I feel like laughing at my previous post. I was moaning the loss of my dear uncle and talking about grief and being the strong one and 2025 being a shit year. Little did I know what was coming my way.

The month after losing my uncle, I returned from a work trip to Chandigarh and got "the call". Yes, the one we never wanted to hear. Our best friend Saran, had given up after 13 years of fighting cancer. The only child of his parents, never drank, never smoked, best human being ever had left us for the heavens above. Rushed to Chennai, completed his last rights and seeing his parents and the torture of rituals they had to go through it just completely broke me and my friends.

Just as we were trying to survive, my mum was hospitalised for 2 weeks with something called as fever of the unknown origin. This was hard. I was barely recuping from Saran and to be holed into that hospital room with her like that for 14 days was hard. I don't know if I have mentioned but my mum and I were essentially the same people. 2 bodies and 1 soul. There is no one, and I can guarantee that there will be no one I will open up with, the way I was with her. 

Anyway so this is April, we barely came out of this, and June-July I gor really busy celebrating Ryna's 40th. We went to Alibaug, organised a party for her here in Mumbai and I remember spefically telling my mum that after a shit shit year, I am finally feeling that I am gaining myself back. I finally felt happy after months of torture. This continued in August when I went to Jaipur on a work trip and came back fully ready to conquer this world. Little did I know what was about to hit me.

On the night of 13th August, while I was at the website of Taj Lands End preparing for Ankur, to finally visit me in Mumbai, my mum, full healthy, in matters of seconds lost her life at a society meeting. Being 100m away from her I couldn't save her. That's when I realised, oh wait, that was not grief. This is what grief really is. From then till today, its been over 90 days, as if the torture of losing her, being the only child doing her last rights all alone was not enough, all we have done is doctors, tests and hospital visits with my dad.

The rainy days of August spending time at home, the gloom, the darkness I have seen and somewhere still am, I would wish nobody, not even my worst enemy goes through this pain. As if that was not enough, my father is now scheduled for surgery end of this month and we will be back to where this started "the hospital" as we wrap up this year.

This year only had challenges, I may have actually laughed once or twice in the whole year, the situation I am in, my fears, our birthdays, Diwali, now Christmas, it almost feels like happiness will never return without my mum. And even if it does, will we really feel it?

I never thought much about getting married cause I thought we would be together until I am much older and suddenly I feel almost orphaned and scared to do life all on my own.

Will I find the love I am looking for? Will I make it in life? Will I be able to cope with the loss of mum and practical day to day life? What will I do after dad? Who am I any more?

2025 you sucked....Give me one reason to keep the hope alive before you end. Please! 

Grief and unexpected roles we play

 

Grief has a strange way of turning our expectations upside down. When we imagine loss, we think of ourselves as the supporting cast—the ones offering a shoulder, making tea, sitting in quiet companionship. But sometimes, life pushes us into the center of the stage, making us the main character in a narrative we never asked to lead.

When someone close to us passes away, there’s a script we think will unfold. People will come together, support will flow naturally, and those grieving will find solace in the presence of others. But reality is often messier. In my case, I found myself at the heart of it all—not because I wanted to be, but because the weight of responsibility landed squarely on my shoulders. The people I expected to take charge withdrew from what had happened. And so, I became the one making arrangements, receiving visitors, holding space for others even as my own grief threatened to consume me.

One of the strangest parts of grief is observing how people behave around it. Some offer genuine, unwavering support. They show up, quietly and consistently. Others say the right things but disappear when action is required. Then there are those who react in ways you’d never expect—avoiding eye contact, offering empty platitudes, or even making the moment about themselves.

What I learned in the process is that grief is not just about the person who is gone; it’s also about the people left behind and how they cope, or fail to. It’s about the dynamics that shift in an instant, about relationships that are tested, and about discovering who truly stands beside you when the world feels unbearable.

For anyone who has found themselves thrust into the unexpected role of being the ‘strong one,’ I see you. I know the exhaustion, the frustration, the resentment, and the quiet moments when you wonder if anyone notices how much you are holding together. I also know that grief has a way of reshaping you, not just in pain, but in clarity—showing you who and what truly matters.

As for me, I look at it as a learning curve and somewhere I am glad that I was thrusted upon this duty by the universe to ensure that my dearest uncle receives the best farewell there couldve been. 

Turning 4-0H!

 Your girl turned the big 40 last September. Yep! I am as surprised as you are, considering my writing doesn't seem to have matured a day over 25. 

Lets start with all the fun bits. I had quite a few celebrations. Honestly, they were expected. I am definitely surrounded with a small but amazing set of people around me that do take the trouble to make me feel special every year so this year was no different. Started with a 40 days to 40 trip at the most stunning Fairmont Jaipur. If you ever get a chance please visit especially to sit and enjoy a Jaipur sling at their infamous Writers Bar. Truly an iconic experience. This was followed by a 30 days to 40 celebration at Koishii in Mumbai, I think this is the best Japanese food I have ever eaten. But, I haven't been to Wasabi nor have I actually been to Japan so I might not be the best judge. 

For 20 days to 40 you won't even believe what my friends pulled off. I don't know if I have written much about this in my blog as I only discovered the place long after I stopped writing regularly, but I always had this dream to visit Razdan Paas in Gurez Valley in Kashmir. I mean, for obvious reasons! From having to prove to people that I am indeed Kashmiri, to having a road that shares my last name, can't get more iconic. But at that time, Gurez belonged to Pakistan and it was practically impossible to get there. As things are quieter and better down in the valley now, Gurez is back to India and my friends planned a surprise weeked to get me all the way to Razdan Paas. It was the most insane trip of my life. When I actually saw my name right up there at 12,000 odd feet above sea level, I was in tears. We also managed to cut a cake up there which was all so very special. 

Coming to my 10 days to 40, yes guys this was an intense month haha, we went celebrating 3 of us (A virgo baby, a cusp baby and a libra baby) to Bombay Daak (please never go there). And right before the main 40, I took off for a few days to Dubai to spend time with my closest few. Friends joined me from all over the globe to make my 40th birthday celebration truly very special. I also tried the viral Dubai kunafa chocolate by the way. I quite loved it.

Now coming to the real part. Turning 40. Did I anticipate my life to be what it is at 40? Absolutely not. If you know me, I have always been the conventional type. I think I would have although honestly I cannot recall but a husband, children, a house by 40. Do I have any of that? Well, no. I am a mixed bag of emotions at the moment. While I am so glad some things did not pan out the way I had intended them to be, I also find it difficult sometimes to forgive myself for making such foolish choices even though my well wishers warned me otherwise. But, as they say, no life without hope. I am hopeful that destiny will give me another chance to learn from my mistakes and rebuild what I once thought was gone forever but with a stronger everlasting foundation.

My back has started hurting a little more since I turned 40 and I think my number has also increased, but here I am sipping tea from my pink Stanley cup as I type out this post trying to defy all odds just to prove myself that age is indeed just a number and it is never too late to chase your dreams. After all, I have still a 42km marathon to tick from my bucket list..prep for which hasn't even started yet.

Hope to write more soon...xx some pictures from the birthday that was. 

Not your unpaid therapist

I hate starting every blogpost acknowledging that its been so long since I wrote the last one but particularly when you live in a fast pace city like Bombay, so much of you is consumed in mostly just about surviving it really becomes hard to actually find time you do something that you really enjoy, like for me, is writing, or updating this blog for me to read when I have retired and have nothing much to do

Work has taken over most of my life these days and I don't really know what all I have gained other than weight in the past 6 months because I have mostly spent my time as I mentioned earlier, surviving. Travel has been constant, but you know that's not really something I complain about. I did take the time out for 2 quick leisure trips, one to Goa for Holi which was hot but super relaxing and to Panchgani and Mahableshwar where I revisited my mum's childhood. It's crazy as to how when you are young you actually detest these experiences but once you are older you crave, nostalgia and memories. I'll post a few pictures at the bottom of this post from these trips. I also made a quick dash to Lonavala to celebrate W's 39th birthday. Truly when you hangout with your oldest friends, the feeling is incomparable to no other.

By the way, Bandra cafe scene has just been buzzing like crazy. Visited this place called August Moon few days ago, lovely, small cafe and such spectacular food. Sometimes I forget how much I like going and checking new places out. Lately have been in a recluse sort of phase, but hope to get my social butterfly phase back very soon. I will be headed to Bengaluru, Gurgaon, Jaipur, Pune, Ahmedabad and Chandigarh in the next few months and hope to try out some local experiences there as well of course keeping my diet in check sadly.

I was just thinking how without blinking an eye-lid most of 2023 is almost over.. While I hope to spend the rest of the year indulging in some self-care, not just physically but also mentally, I realized most of time goes in counseling others, the best part being, I don't even think they want my advice haha . Look, from the very beginning, I have been that person who people come to when they are sad. They tell me about their inner dark secrets, frivolous problems and various other issues and honestly, I always am really good with keeping all this information within me and offering advice whether they have asked for it or not. At the end of these exercises, they feel extremely light having downloaded all their issues on me. Me, on the other hand who is already dealing with a lot of my own issues (I am not really big on sharing as I usually dislike looking like a victim) is now burdened with their problems as well. 

So basically, I am here offering therapy like an unqualified expert even when not asked for and without having no sense of balance in my own life :). And most of these people anyway are way more successful in life than me so really not sure what I can add to their life anyway. Hence, slowly but surely, I will work on being just a little bit selfish and concentrating on my self because that's an area I neglect the most and work towards at least being capable enough to be someone's unpaid therapist. And like my friend always tells me. Don't give advice until someone asks you for it. Well, I am going to try

Another area of my life that really needs work, is giving benefit of doubt to people especially that belong to the opposite sex. Funnily enough, my observation tells me that I am very very soft in my behaviour towards men (not necessarily romantic interests) due to which I am often taken for granted or even treated as a pushover, which I will definitely not want to be. Friendship is about effort. Give and take. And sometimes, be being me, I only want to give until i am completely depleted of everything including self respect. So henceforth, I will only have to offer what you are able to give me. For both sexes, all relationships in my life. This is going to be a mammoth task for me because being a Virgo, service is inherent in my nature and nothing makes me more happy than doing something that makes someone else happy. Which I will continue to do, only not at the cost of my happiness.

As I turn closer to the big 40 in 2024, I hope I am able to focus this year of my life working on bringing a balance back into my life. Something that I lost a few years ago. Something that I will have to work very hard to achieve. But what's life without some kickass goals right ? :)

Hope to be able to write more sooner than later! Take care.

 

 Pictures- 1st row- Panchgani, 2nd row- Lonavala, 3rd row- Goa

 

 

 

Work in Progress Always

 It's become some what a norm for me to begin any post with "It's been a while" but going by my regularity (well lack of it) on this blog there seems to be no better opening line to start with.

Well what happened since April? I went back to Australia after 3 years! It honestly felt lovely but after I have come back, things spiralled down very quickly for reasons best known to me for now. Anyway, in September I did manage a quick trip to Kashmir which is always so lovely. You know, without a bias I have to say some of the best people with the best hearts live in Kashmir, at least going by my experience. I met a French lady who is married to Kashmiri man and lives in a village near Sonmarg, runs a home stay for past 22 years. It was so refreshing to meet her, learn from her about how to live with what you have happily and it honestly makes you think how little you really need in life to be really happy.

I have always been of the belief and lately even more so that people living in the city like us, are always chasing. Sometimes, I feel we don't even know what we are chasing but we are just running that rat race because there's no other way we know. And then even when you do achieve what you think you wanted it doesn't really give you that happiness from within that you hoped you would get. I don't know maybe its just me but to me true content is a life with equal balance of work and pleasure. EQUAL. and pleasure includes a lot of quality time with people you love creating memories of experiences and not things that you own. Makes sense?

Over these past few months there is also something new I learnt about myself. Apparently, I fear a lot. I am very scared and come across as very timid which often causes people to walk all over me and often I come across as someone who is not very sure of themselves. Even though this is an inaccurate judgement of my personality, professionally I have had to face quite a few set backs lately. I suppose in today's world where everyone is out there yelling their mediocre selves on social media and so busy selling themselves there is often not too many space left for the quieter ones who are listening more than they are talking and offering more quality over just pure nonsense. I think it is also important to realise that the world is made up of different personality types and if one person does not match yours does not mean that they are imperfect or need improvement. We are all work in progress after all

I head out for a 7 day, 7 city work trip next week, its going to be super duper hectic. This December does not feel like the usual ones where social life used to take over from everyone visiting from all over the globe. To be honest, I am done with 2022 and I have no hopes from 2023 either. 

If I don't see you before that, wishing you all A Merry Christmas a A Happy 2023. Thank you for still continuing to read my blog :)

PS: My wish for 2023, if I can be super honest would be to find my true love :) But we know how that's been going hahaha 

Cheers!  

Just popping in..

A little late in the day I know, well 4 months is not really a little late but as I’ve said before I can’t really get myself to write unless I really really want to. One of the main reasons amongst many others that I couldn’t pick it as a career option. Firstly I am typing this post out from my phone in an awkward lying down position so please excuse any typos and grammatical errors.

I have two drafts here which I think is too late to complete now, one about my holiday in December 2021 to Mashobara, Chail and Solan which was just so magical. If like me you are just looking to chill and do nothing I highly recommend the ITC property in Chail. Beautiful, relaxing and the perfect place to lounge and do nothing. I didn’t realise how much I needed a break until I took that one

Then again I am super late but if anyone still reads this blog let me take a moment to wish you a belated but a Happy 2022. May this year be happy, healthy and full of travel for all of us. Speaking of travel I am finally going back to Sydney after 2.5 years which is just insane. A little nervous, a little skeptical but also a little excited to begin long haul travel again 

Life has been really hectic. I am currently working 2 full time jobs which really gives me time for nothing else outside of it. 

Last weekend I visited a drive in theatre for the first time to watch a movie. It is on the rooftop of a mall that is actually attached to my office building. The experience was good fun but the sound quality is not that great. Let me try and add a picture or two towards the end if possible 

I am also quite bored of being single now. It’s been a while and I think I should now actively seek something new. I tried downloading a few dating apps but it’s so boring and so repetitive and literally everyone out there is married which is why I deleted all of them 

Other than that there is nothing that I can remember that I need to update right now so signing off and hopefully will come back with some exciting stuff as against these dull updates soon

Adios 

3:11

 I will never forget this date. 3/11/2016, 3/11/2019 and 3/11/2021. In the future this will either turn out to be the best date of my life or the worst. I hope and pray that it is the former. Let’s wait and watch… only time will reveal all. 

Movember

 Welcome to no shave November where our eyes will be sore looking at men (some trying) to grow their moustaches but all for a good cause so I am not really complaining. I am not really someone who likes men with facial hair but just one tip if you do decide to grow a beard at least groom it. Have you seen the way men come to work in these big American companies like Google, Facebook etc? I am all in for casual work wear but don't come to work in your PJ's at least! On that note, men in uniform or suits, Muah! so hot. 

So hopefully my blog posts will have less typos now that I have cut my nails. I had grown my finger nails out so long but I didn't have the heart to cut them. In this world of extensions name one  person who would voluntarily cut her nails but sadly I had to do that cause I could literally not work effectively with long nails. How does Kylie Jenner manage working with those nails, I'll never know.

It's been over a month since I quit social media and to be honest I haven't missed it one single day. I think sometimes it really helps not constantly knowing about what people are upto and sort of living in your own cocoon. Of course drama finds me wherever I go but at least I can save myself from some of it. If you know me I love obsessing about stuff.  Of course, in phases. Sometimes its baking, sometimes its running so on and so forth. However, one of my constant obsessions is cleaning. I love cleaning. I don't know if I have OCD but I love tidying up and during Diwali the inner Marie Kondo in me comes alive.

So last weekend, I cleaned up my cosmetic cupboard and my PJ's cupboard (yes I am obsessed with PJ's too so much that they need to have their own space). This time I have folded all my PJ's Marie Kondo style. For my main wardrobe which I still have to clean I have also ordered the drawers, separators etc as advised by her and I am so looking forward to that whole experience. Marie Kondo is like my Guru. She is such a mood. I love her. Sharing some before and after pictures. Do let me know what you think

Life is so much better without clutter. I am such a hoarder, I love every memory associated with everything I buy or I am gifted and it becomes so difficult for me to part with things. The pandemic did teach me a lot about how little we actually need in life to be happy and with that and of course Marie, I hope to continue to lead this clutter free life as long as I can. Btw while cleaning my drawers I realised how obsessed I am with make up brushes (for someone who never wears makeup) and hoop earnings. Just look! I think I am going to write my next blog post with things that I am obsessed with considering HOW many times I have used that word in this post!

Yesterday was my love SRK's birthday and how can I write a blogpost in November without wishing him the best of everything. Because of my time off Instagram, I started spending quite some time on Youtube and through that channel I discovered my love for Cristiano Ronaldo. Better late than ever I guess. I have enjoyed football in the past but mostly on World Cup level. Now a days I watch all his old games, interviews and I have literally fallen in love with him. His hard work, dedication together with his aggression and competitive spirit has made me a complete CR7 fan girl. Our Indian cricketers and Bollywood personalities should learn from these football stars. The fandom that our celebrities have to deal with is nothing compared to what CR7 has. Yet to see him so humble with his fans is such a joy to watch. Eagerly waiting to learn more about him as time passes.

It is Diwali tomorrow and I am really hoping to enjoy this time off as life has been so busy. PP is here from Delhi so obviously exploring the F&B scene in Bombay and outside of Bombay is high on the agenda. Hope we do get to execute our travel plans this time at least. I took PP to Saltt in Karjat sometime ago. It is such a lovely place with the best ambience and I really can't wait to experience it in the little winter that we have. It will be like a whole other mood. Leaving you with a picture of the cutest popcorn whiskey cocktail I had there! Happy Diwali to you all. Thank you for reading my blog if you do. If I know you or not, I really do appreciate it. 

Turning 37

 Oh my God! How old does that sound? I literally never imagined being 37. Honestly, I don't feel a day older than 21 and I highly doubt I look that old either (until someone calls me aunty and then I suddenly feel like a 100 haha). I may act dramatic at times just for effect but age has never affected me really and I hardly ever think about turning a certain age. I've always lived my life on my own terms and never pressurized myself to do anything including get married only because I was turning a certain year old. 

Anyway, it was really nice to be able to meet people this year in person and actually step out and do things as against last year where I literally waved to friends only from my window and was so exhausted sanitizing every cake or gift that I received. My best friends as usual (the sneaky creative geniuses) brought out their best work to surprise me in various ways throughout the week. I was actually supposed to be in Leh for my birthday but that fizzled out at the last moment. This is literally my 4th cancellation to a Leh holiday and now I have promised myself to not make an active plan to visit. When it happens, if it happens, it will. A similar thing had happened to me in the past while booking a trip to Amritsar. So many cancellations ( and I am suddenly reminded that I still have to pay my friend for the Delhi-Amritsar train tickets from 7 years ago haha) but then when I stopped trying I actually visited twice in a year. I guess there is a time and place for everything so I am just going to wait for Leh to call me :)

I think one of my most favourite things about life is birthday cake. It could be anybody's. I remember once we were at Big Nasty (Bombay people will identify) and a girl walked in celebrating her bachelorette and her cake looked so good that all of us joined her celebrations just to eat that chocolate cake. This year a lot of effort was put into my cakes, I think I had mentioned once how good a pistachio and chocolate cake would taste and my friend baked me a 4 KG cake with which we fed the whole community I think haha. I also always wanted to try the naked chocolate cake from Tiernom, a patisserie that literally refuses delivery so another friend actually travelled all the way  to bring me that cake and oh my God I cannot even describe how yummy it was. Of course my Mom knows the way to my heart is always mint, so she got me the most amazing mint and chocolate cake ever! I'll add some pictures to this post later. Of course I am still burning all those cake calories even a month later! 

Anyway all the yumminess aside 37 also switched a button inside me. All my life I have always found my happiness in doing things for others. Not telling them if I am upset with them, not telling them if I love them, always being their punching bag and most often finding my joy while being useful to someone else. I don't want to do that any more and I have been consciously trying my best not to do so. I used to hang onto relationships (not necessarily only love) for eons until they literally had nothing left in them but after some effort I have cut off all these unnecessary strings out of my life. I don't know if that makes me happier because I am so used to constantly planning something for someone but I do feel like I am thinking way more clearly. 

37 is going to be where I finally lay focus on me. My joy, my happiness, my purpose, my struggles and so on and so forth. Selfish you say? High time I think!

Body Shaming

I am unsure if I am extra sensitive towards this topic having gone through it myself but I cannot help but feel a sense of intense rage each time someone dismisses a person just because they are "fat". Fatty, moti, haathi, chubby, hippo words that we use as a joke to name other people can often scar them for life and we don't even realize that. Forget fat, people often assume that telling someone they have lost weight is a compliment! 

Lets get some basics right. Someone else's body, is none of your business. Whether they have gained weight, lost weight or remained the same is none of your business. You have lost weight is not a compliment. If you want to compliment someone talk to them about their talents, achievements, compliment them as a whole person and not based on their body because again, their physical up keep is NONE of your business

It annoys me to see mothers of brides asking their daughters to go on a diet just before their wedding because they have to look their best. Firstly, why does only the bride have to look her best whereas the groom can come to the same wedding with a beer belly and all we will say that "khaate peete ghar ka hai". Secondly, for those wedding albums which you will never see post your wedding was that torture really necessary? I have seen brides faint at the alter because they haven't eaten for days before their big day just to fit into their clothes. If you really want to see a bride happy make sure she is marrying for the right reasons and then watch her glow

Is that how shallow we have become as a society? Especially in India.  Look I am not against fitness. I believe that it is very important for a person to be fit, healthy and look after themselves. All I am against is for us as strangers to take onus for this task. When I went on a super unhealthy diet and completely lost sight of my health in 2019 my friends immediately called me on it but in private. They did not tarnish my entire image in public and with correct measures I was able to bounce back. Of course like most of us I am still a work in progress 

I have seen girls of all ages, sizes, marital statuses over the past 37 years in life. Not all of them are strong enough to fight these insecurities they have thanks to all these words used to call them out so casually. Even the strongest and hottest of women are constantly staring at their (invisible) cellulite in the mirror in their darkest of times. Sometimes, losing weight can be a sign of depression, anxiety or even anorexia and you haven't the slightest clue because you are probably judging that poor girl based on her so called glamorous life on social media (again a farce)

All I am saying is that a little sensitivity goes a long way. Think before you speak. Think before you think you are complimenting someone and judge people less. You have no idea how one tiny word you speak can ruin someone's image of themselves for life

Hope

 In times like these where everything seems awry, what else do we have but to cling onto a ray of hope? Life seems to have come to a standstill. Why do I feel like I am stationary while the world around me moves on swiftly?

So many thoughts racing through my mind, what if I had done some things differently? Would things have been better then? Who knows the answer to that but what have I to cling on but hope that I made the right choices

As darkness glooms over all phases in life where should we go to look for answers? Is this world of isolation going to detach all the possible bonds we spent years making or is there a ray of hope to look forward to?

As yet another day ends and I struggle to get my mind to lay in peace , I can’t help but pray for better days and cling on tightly to my ray of hope. 

Respecting Opinions

 I am so proud of myself for making it to like 3 posts in a month. Looks like time off social media has indeed given me some more time to gather my thoughts and scribble here. Although its a relief that I have to type and you don't get to see my handwriting. My handwriting is like that of a 10 year old child. 

Do you at times feel that our decision making powers over the years have become more complicated due to the ample amount of choices available? Wasn't life simpler when a student just had to choose between Arts, Commerce or Science? More choices, mean more confusion, more debate and more debate is equal to what I get at...just NOISE.

Around me I find opinions. So many opinions. I mean you can sneeze and you will have 100 opinions from various people. Some based on experience, some based on education, some based on whatsapp but everybody has something to say. So with so much content around you, do you like me sometimes feel uneasy processing that much information or are you comfortable filtering out exactly the information you require? If you belong to the latter I am jealous of you :)

These days I feel burdened with information. I also feel burdened with opinions I haven't really asked for. Hence cutting out of social media had become essential for me. Don't get me wrong, having an opinion is not a bad thing, its just that sometimes I feel is it always necessary to 

a) State your opinion when not asked

b) Force your opinion down someone else's throat.

I have been noticing the latter a lot lately. Everyone has a strong opinion but no one seems to be able to respect another opinion that doesn't match them. I find that ridiculous. If you have the courage to be vocal about something you believe in then you must also have the courage to listen to somebody who believes with as much passion in something that you may not agree in. Often, I choose to clue out of debates or discussions because I find them pointless. They often turn ugly, mostly personal and sour relationships which I hate. Because of this I am often called a fence sitter and to be honest I am ok with it. I mean its my life and my opinion. I will give it only when I feel it is necessary and to who I feel is actually listening.

Screaming out loud on social media solves no purpose. Be a do-er. If you have a problem with something then work towards changing it. Only then your opinion matters. Otherwise, its just noise or in other words "Reposts"

T for Tinder

I have been a part of the online world for a long long time now. When it comes to online connections I've had my share of ICQ accounts, MSN messengers and names that I cant even remember. I have also been an early member into social networks, networking sites going back to when Twitter was alien or when Friendster (you may be too young to know) existed. Now that I think back, maybe I've been around so long and seen such good times in this virtual world that this toxic change has begun to disgust me.

So anyway before I start I must say that the experiences I describe below are not solely mine but a mix of stuff that has happened to me, friends and through acquaintances. It is a random generalization of things just for fun, just for you to read and smile in these dark times, so please do not take everything written below too seriously. However, if you do identify yourself as any of the below, then maybe you should :)

So, coming back to the topic, this was sometime in mid May 2019, I was 35 and single and obviously oblivious to the online dating game as I had been away from social media barring my Facebook or Instagram accounts. A lot of my friends recommended I get on dating apps and God what a terrible mistake that was. At that time I remember creating an account on then popular Tinder. I was at dinner at a married couples house and randomly swiping left and right (almost always left) on the dinner table. To my dismay my friends husband, the very house I was eating dinner at was on my phones screen. I was devastated and felt my stomach churning and literally didn't know what to do. Obviously I deleted my account instantly and swore off these apps.

During "The Pandemic". I faced a lot of flak from my close friends and family about how I was not putting myself "out there" (I have absolutely no clue what that ever means but whatever) and how I will never meet someone if I don't reach out blah blah blah. So to save my conscience and for never wanting to blame myself for not trying enough, I created 2 accounts. One on a matrimonial site (this didn't last long at all because I didn't know how to use that horrible interface, the spam it caused in my inbox and overall regressive attitude of having to connect with a boy's parents rather than himself (like dude you're at least 40, may want to grow up now), having random women including siblings and parents calling me continuously and chasing me around and the heights being when a friend called me on behalf of someone and I said no, he started asking about himself!!  I mean it just didn't work) and the second a profile on a dating app.

Now I have to admit that I didn't really meet anyone through the app thanks to the pandemic but thanks to the little swiping I did, the minimum conversations I had and the endless conversations I have had with my girlfriends on this topic I can safely categorize men on dating apps in the below categories

The He-Man-  I was contemplating giving a He-Man reference because who knows if you millennials even know who He-Man is. Anyway, so this is the category of those gym going, protein shake drinking, ab showing men who are at least according to their pictures or profiles only working out, cause there's no way in hell you can achieve that body by going to work (ha ha). I can imagine meeting He-Man at Lokhandwala Barista where is aspiring to be a Bollywood actor. He is crazy about his appearance as he is of his partners. Conversations mostly begin with "did you go to the gym"? or "I ran 10kms today" and pretty much end there as well. Not really sure what they are looking for on an app, meeting models like them I suppose. 

The Mummy's Boy-  Aww, he's the cutie. The chocolate boy with more often than not a picture of himself hugging his mother. Why on a dating app, who knows. So he's like the good boy who never makes the first move, has good manners not to ask you for your phone number the instant you swipe right and definitely respects you when you tell him you are not ready to meet him. He is mostly cute and loves spending time with his dog and going on treks or loves reading. However, he gets rather monotonous. Conversations with him often never continue after how are you?. But overall a decent variety, not the kind you detest, probably just unmatch in a week. Lets move on. 

The Bot-  One of the worst kind of profiles you could never interact with. Bots are often really good looking borderline hot. So initially your thought process could be like "he's out of my league". But then you begin chatting with The Bot. He seems to be exactly what you are looking for not only on apps but in the entire galaxy. He has most often than not scrutinized your profile and literally gives the answers to your questions like no one ever does. He seems like your perfect dream, your knight in shining armor, the reason why it never worked out with anyone else and then boom..one day, just like that, without a reason, he ghosts you. And for days you'll wonder what went wrong. For days you'll read and re read those texts, those messages analyzing, over analyzing, overthinking every word and you'll have no answer. Then you'll just convince yourself that you were probably talking to a computer, after all when did men get to be that perfect, right?

The "No Strings Attached Guy" - Love this variety. Has honesty written all over it. Almost always the most judged but in hindsight according to me at least they do not mislead anyone. Usually has their martial status (mostly married) written in CAPS, along with things like JUST HERE FOR FUN, CASUAL STUFF ONLY, MY WIFE KNOWS followed by a DONT JUDGE or some random stuff like that. Quite amusing to read most times and I mean at least you get what you want, if that is indeed what you want. (not judging :)).

The Misleaders  - Another, horrible horrible category. From the face of the profile he will seem just like the bot variety. Good looking, decent almost always well educated and more often than not his work place will be close to yours. You look forward to catching up with him sometime. Speaks well, speaks limited and mostly speaks sense all with a sense of humour. You sometimes end up on phone calls, make plans to meet and no unlike the bot he doesn't ghost you. What he does is worse. He either meets you over a romantic date and tells you how he is married but its all "chill". He either has endless hours of phone calls with you long enough to know your grandmothers name to then tell you that he is in a committed relationship but "unhappy" or meets you multiple times and takes you on the best dates after which when you give the slightest sign of wanting a relationship tells you he is indeed "commitment phobic". Always a catch sister, always a catch! 

Mr Polyamorous aka Mr "I have needs" After hearing things about apps and my own experiences I am so happy when I see an honest profile even though it may not match what I am looking for. Mr Polyamorous is usually quite transparent in his profile so you can choose to swipe left or right depending what you are looking for . He has needs and he has no qualms mentioning it on his dating profile :)

The I was born to be friend zoned After all in the words of my love Sharukh Khan, "pyaar dosti hai" right? :) By the way online friendships do exist. I have been in one for 13 years and counting. 

The Quintessential Liar The trust of the innocent is a liars biggest tool. And man do they know how to use this tool. Disgusting category. Everything is a lie. Sometimes even their profile pictures. Hope you never come across one of their kind. 

Married & Browsing Probably got married because it was the "right" age to do so. Now according to their profiles they are "casually browsing", "here to make friends", "my wife knows I am here" and mostly each profile will end with a "don't judge". Well, I will, so delete your profile and work on your marriage or divorce your wife if you don't want me to. 

Mr Suspicious  He should have a detective show of his own or sometimes he could also be like an undercover agent. He is so suspicious of everything you tell him until you are literally exhausted giving explanations for every little thing you say. He will second guess you till you reach your wits end. Sometimes I don't blame him. Maybe he has come across the female version of Mr Quintessential Liar. 

Divorced & Scarred  Men often call women emotional fools and full of baggage but if you really want to understand the true meaning of emotional baggage you need to interact with someone from this category. This category probably got married when they weren't actually ready and obviously got divorced sooner or later. While he should probably be spending time with himself, here he is physically on apps but mentally scarred with his marriage experience. He is obviously not at all ready and tends to dump all his emotional baggage on you and poor you with traumas of your own will suddenly find yourself being a counselor to a fully grown baby. No thank you! 

The Chipku  This variety I have personally experienced. Mostly harmless but just do not seem to get the message. You don't want to block them or ghost them because they are really nice and sweet and you wouldn't want them to go through the pain of the unknown that you've gone through so on most occasions you just choose to be nice to them. But they can be quite a pain in the butt. The Good Mornings, the good evenings ugh they can poke you till your last nerve and God knows that I have patience. They are also almost always ready to marry you without meeting you. Are virtual weddings all that's left now?

Stoned with ADHD  They are listening to you. Or are they? Almost everyday you are telling them what you do or where you are from. Somedays interested somedays disinterested. Somedays invested others strangers. You just convince yourself they are on something, cause this cannot possibly be real. Sometimes they are just stoned also, like..for real but hey don't judge. 

There is also the commitment phobic but we've seen MANY of those in real life to discuss...

Having said that, this is just meant to be taken very lightly. I am sure there are multiple amazing men and women out there on apps just waiting to find each other and who fit into none of these random generalizations. I am just hoping the one I am looking for is not looking for me virtually cause I have literally deleted every trace of me out there and intend to keep it that way for now :)

How Am I Doing?

 Quick write up between 2 calls. We have a catch up today with a team in our head office to ask us how we are really doing? Honestly, if I have to describe that right now, I think I am just umm drifting.

Going with the flow. Everything is unstable and unpredictable around me. This second wave has hit us hard and hit me close. Earlier, we had heard about people who have COVID, now we actually know people who are losing their life due to COVID. I am trying my best in my tiny capacity to help out where I can. I mean I know that won't be enough but as they say every tiny drop counts.

The politics and level of corruption in this country have begun to disgust me and tempt me to leave it. I inch closer and closer to applying for citizenship to other countries each day. Do I want to bring up children in this environment? Definitely not. No one deserves to fight for oxygen! No one. 

Coming back to my social media detox, its going surprisingly well actually. I hardly miss logging in or stalking people (ha ha). It had become so toxic, so terrible and so judgmental that I knew it was time to take a break. By the way you know what the most toxic virtual experience is? Dating apps! Can't wait to write about my experiences on these apps soon but I must go now...

Until later...in the words of my alter ego Dory...Just keep swimming! 

 

Social Media Detox

 Just deleted my social media accounts for the 500th time. Lately social media has been nothing other than sharing disappointing, vicious, malicious, unverified news truth of which nobody really knows and I felt it was getting too toxic for my liking.

I also feel that I need to learn how to bake a cake without posting about it, plant a vegetable seed without talking about it or wish a friend personally without announcing to the world

Lets see if and when I decide to go back. Keep you posted...

PS: This hopefully means more productivity and maybe more writing? Well lets see...

COVID 19

 I almost forgot I wrote a blog and of course forgot the password right before logging in today. Well before I write about what's happening with me as of now lets go back to March 2020 when all of this began.

March 2020

I was pretty much living my regular life, had my tickets booked to Sydney for the 25th of March leading a delegation of 30 odd people, booked my tickets to Leh, figuring out new places to eat at in the city (Bombay), had friends over for Holi and I was busy rekindling some, actually one broken friendship (so to say). I heard about the corona virus hitting China but I wasn't really bothered about it. I was doing a lot long drives out of Bombay those days and one day on March 20th if I am not wrong when we were driving back from Daman is when the news of the virus hitting home really sort of struck me. As I came home that night and the Prime Minister announced the lockdown, I literally had no idea what happened. I mean to be very honest I actually had to google the meaning of a pandemic! Besides that of course there was that shock of no maid and for the first time in 35 years it meant I had to do house work. Right in the beginning it was fun. Like cardio but entertaining. I did everything, things I had never anticipated I had to do and honestly I was happy. It was a challenge managing work from home with the chores and because I used to miss eating out so much I was also doing so much cooking over the weekends but it was fun because I was learning. New things, things I had not done before and things I was keen on learning. 

I also literally became so responsible overnight. Thanks to things going completely online (blessed to live in a city like Bombay that adapts so well each time there is a problem) I had to take over all the responsibilities in the house. From banking to groceries, from sanitizing to doctors besides of course all the work load and workouts I was heavily involved in it. There were also those virtual calls with my friends, my family, my work mates, my neighbours everyone and anyone you can think of, shooting one million virtual birthday videos and you know the best part, I didn't feel like complaining. 

At this point I would also like to thank my virtual cooking club (where 3 of us got together every weekend challenging ourselves to cook/bake/innovate something new). Although the vessels later were a nightmare those cooking sessions were so therapeutic 

September 2020

And then came my birthday. All India complete lockdown. If you know me, you know how special birthdays are to me and how deeply I care about them Not only mine but others too. It may sound so surprising but my lockdown birthday was one of the best birthdays of my entire life. My friends really went out of the way to make my day extra special and I felt so appreciated because they understood how difficult it had been for me to go from baby of the house to boss of the house in just a couple of months. I mean I literally do not know anyone who forgot to wish me, I had 9 cakes for crying out loud and I didn't even buy a single one of them :). I had virtual cocktail parties, I had birthday movies that included my family, friends and colleagues from all over the world, I had 2 simultaneous birthday gift countdowns with literally every gift that I could have possibly imagined, I had my favourite balloons sent to me, people coming all the way just to visit me from my window and also friends that cooked massive meals at home and delivered it to me so that I wouldn't have to lift a finger that day. If you were any of the above people and are reading this I am so grateful for having you in my life and please know that I love you so much. 

December 2020

We started reaching the end of the year. Work started getting worse. Borders weren't going to open. Our working days were reduced. Friends started to lose jobs, however cases also comparatively started to reduce so we still had hope in our hearts. This stage was slightly difficult for me because people started stepping out. The world was in Goa but I wasn't. Friends were meeting but I didn't. Living with my parents I just wanted to avoid them ever facing the repercussions of my carelessness. I wouldn't be able to forgive my self if that happened and honestly one dinner didn't seem worth it at all.

Feb 2021

Welcomed the new year with so much hope but obviously corona was going no where. By now I had reached my wits end and was longing to travel. Managed to gather some guts and spend a week in Delhi. Now imagine what a culture shock it was for me from straight being at home for a year to reach the airport. Obviously spent most of my time at home in Delhi too but it was refreshing, just getting some sun, one dinner, few walks, meeting a friend, came back refreshed but straight into a week of quarantine and a test later did I meet my parents. Spending that week in quarantine was so challenging and depressing again that whole week in Delhi didn't feel worth this torture.

April 2021

Just when I started feeling a little confident about at least reaching the salon, the second wave of the pandemic has hit us and it is bad. Covid is too close to home. We have lost closed ones and are in complete lockdown once again. But this time I just can't take it. Work has gone from  bad to worse because India is so high on covid numbers. People seem to be taking it too lightly not realizing that even though they might survive this pandemic but others might not thanks to them. It is difficult to push yourself daily, motivate yourself  and continue to challenge yourself amongst this monotonous routine. It saddens me to see this circus that has been made of India thanks to its politicians, religion, media and social media. Fake news, drama, lies, venom spewing everyday on the idiot box can really be frustrating.

But I guess at the end of the day all we can survive on is hope. I choose to tune myself out of people and social media that can get so toxic. I choose not to judge my relationships with anyone during this pandemic as everyone is fighting a battle of their own. I choose not to think of anyone's problems less important than mine. I choose to believe that a better tomorrow is out there and I choose to wait for it patiently. I choose to thank God for my life, respect things better than I used to, thank him for our relentless Covid workers without whom none of us would've survived this lockdown.

After all other than compassion, what else do we have to give any way....Damn, I grew up this last year!

PS: That friendship I was trying to rekindle in March 2020, I chose to give up on and that was one of the best decisions I could've ever made for myself.

Life and its unpredictable games

Life is unpredictable. Things happen when you least expect them to happen. And things that you are waiting for eternity sometimes just never happen. And you know what the funniest part about life is? Things that you have longed for, when they finally happen, they don't seem to give you the kind of elated feeling you expected when you were waiting for them.
People are unpredictable. They claim they love you, then they run away from you and when you're done chasing and wondering what when wrong they come back to you. I mean sometimes I really can't seem to catch a break. Why can't people be clear in their head as to what they want or expect from others? Like me, I have clear compartments. Friends, Family, Best Friends, Someone special, potential crush, people I never want to see again etc and even a dislike box and everyone I meet mentally goes into one of these compartments.
People, men especially on the other hand seem to have very blur boundaries. I often find they would like to keep things very vague until you go crazy trying to figure out what you actually mean to them. They might like you but they will be too cowardice to tell you that. If you take the initiative then they will feel that you're coming on too strong and run away. If you question them there's a problem, if you don't then you are a snob. After 35 most of the single men are any way commitment phobic so God forbid you mention the "M" word even by mistake or in another context they will flee to another planet. And of course because they never really told you who you actually are to them you will find out from social media one day how they are actually dating other people because they are "Technically" single . Sigh! I've given up on men really. Not like I've ever chased them or I intend to either. They are just a bunch of confused children who want everything in life but don't really want to work for it or towards it for that matter.
Coming back to life, a friend recently asked me if I was religious? and why I went to the church every Saturday and what I really wished for there? It got me thinking. I guess I am not religious because I believe religion divides people, and that's not something I believe in. I believe in faith. A faith that I have with a power and that relationship between him and me is something so personal it cannot be defined. Some call him Jesus, some Allah, some Ram but I truly believe there is this one power that all us believers really talk to, pray to and hence when we are fighting against each other we are actually fighting for the same thing.
Make sense?

People, Love and other random thoughts...

If you know me you know how much I love talking about love. No, not that pink candyfloss non existent Mills and Boons love but the more practical, realist kind which I truly believe exists even though I don't seem to have found it yet.
I was in Delhi a few days ago and experienced the so called Delhi winters for the first time and really felt ashamed for all those freezing in Mumbai Instagram stories haha! I saw a very different side to Delhi this time and I have to admit I completely fell in love with it. Besides the weather I saw Delhi through the eyes of my friends who have spent their entire lives there and believe me it was a whole other experience compared to the other 1 million times I've visited. Besides it being great for me, I think they had a great time reminiscing their good old days as well which made the whole experience even better right. Isn't it also really so nice when you meet a friend who you can have interesting conversations with? Especially when you have common tastes in so many things. I mean you might already know them but when you actually get to talking to someone one on one I think that is the time you really get to know them. Feels pretty good.
When I came back it was back to the good old days for me as I was playing tour guide to my 20 year old niece who is bag packing all across the world for the next 7 months. Man! At 20 she would've seen half the globe. So proud of her for being able to make this decision and taking this bold step. I did give her one piece of advice though. I've been in the travel business for about 14 years now and although it is great to see this great shift in people who suddenly want to travel and see the world, I told her that she should travel with a purpose. If she is in India today and plans to be in Perth 7 months later she might not even remember her first day in Mumbai. I told her to document her travels, to make her presence on social media, create a brand for herself, use this knowledge that she accumulates to help other foreigners (especially solo female travelers) to plan their trips and if she manages to earn some money with this she can use it to fund her further travels. I take travel very personally and I don't want her to be a part of a fad or rats race that is just traveling to fill pages of their passports or for social media. It is way way beyond that.
Traveling was instilled in us right through childhood starting from family vacations, trips with mom and later solo travel as well and I can proudly say that the things I have learnt through all these years is so precious and incomparable to anything I could've learnt in a textbook.
Kaiwan my best friend turned 40 and his wife my best friend again threw a surprise party for him where we went bowling and go karting with 25 of his friends. Kaiwan is always the wise often strict one among us who often stops Shakti and me from going crazy but while racing on those go karts it was surreal to see the little child in him come alive and I think Shakti couldn't have planned anything better for him on this special day. I don't mean to boast but that's a Virgo woman. We can go to any extent to make the people we love happy on their special day or on any day for that matter. I think that is why it also becomes difficult for people to please us. Our level of attention to detail is actually quite difficult to match
Coming to sun signs I get along best with Cancerians. The crabs! Pretend to be these aloof, cold hearted, content with themselves individuals but are such goofy, soft and loyal people. Most of my best friends are cancerians and they all have the same traits. I've never really dated a Cancerian man though, as far as I can remember. I am pretty sure I haven't cause if he was my crab I would never let him go :)
Everyone craves a connection. Of any kind. The world is a lonely place and the more I meet people I realize how empty life can get for people sometimes. I want to say so much more but I must get to calling it a day and book my uber home on a x100 times surge. Can't wait for 5km to become super easy for me so I can just start walking home. Soon enough!
Write soon...

So much has happened!

It's 2020! What the hell. 2020 used to be the year I never imagined would come. The year the world would end. The year that seemed so so far away.
Well, nothing like that happened and here I am writing my first blog post after 3 years. Lots has happened in the past 3 years. More than anything, I've grown up. Experiences in life can teach you a lot.
Well over the last 3 years I lost my grandmother who I was extremely close to. I faced 2 huge health scares one related to my mother and the other to my father. I moved on from things I was holding on to which were of no significance to me anymore and more than anything else I moved on from saying yes to things I actually wanted to say no to.
I often find myself like a fish out of water in this complicated world. Like I don't fit in. It is manipulative, competitive and we are constantly using every ounce of our energy to run after things which I'm not sure we even want.
I crawled through my first 10k few weeks ago. I've never been into running. Ever! If you know me you would know that forget running, I wouldn't even walk unless I really had to. I have to be super honest with you. I signed up for this 10k somewhere around mid 2019 and then forgot all about it..

On November 1st 2019 for many reasons that I do not really want to get in to but for no fault of mine I was described by someone who I once held dear with the choicest of adjectives which I never imagined to be used to describe me. Except for one word that was indeed true among all the lies. "Unfit".  That hit me so hard that I signed up with my nutritionist, got a personal trainer and got things going for me in the right direction. However, there was always this heavy weight on my chest and I could not get all those words out of my mind for I knew that I was not any of those things that were used to describe me. There were times I wanted to scream my side of the story and tell everyone the real truth but I decided against it. Those who have to stick with me will. Those who don't aren't worth the convincing anyway.

During these days I also ended up having a lot more free time with the year ending, Christmas holidays etc. So, I decided to give running a shot. Initially, I struggled to even walk. My feet used to burn in like 15 minutes and I thought I would die from all the pain. But slowly I started picking up the rhythm, I started feeling that it was like the therapy I needed. My very close friends started encouraging me, Hell they even signed up for a 10k just so that they could walk besides me to support me. And this is inspite of going through surgeries and cancelling attending weddings. Close friends that were running triple the distance I was constantly motivated and believed in me more than I believed in myself
That's when I realized I had to do this. For them but also most importantly for me. Not to show the person who described me using those negative adjectives or who compared me to someone new like I was an old car ready to be junked but for me to show myself that I was capable of what seemed the impossible in my life
And I did...

Back

Can't believe I am writing again. I doubt any of you still read my blog but thank you to all those who did until I wrote last. So life's been ok. I read my previous posts and they serve as such wonderful memories (good and bad) of my past and hence I've decided to continue documenting my life so that I'll have something interesting to read in my old age.
So life since I left this place last? Well, It's been interesting, a mixed bag of emotions, stress, achievements, travel..typical I guess. We lost my nani earlier this year which has been really hard on me since she lived with us for 10 whole years. Its insane how close we were but I'm going to reserve a whole blogpost for nani later.
I'm going to be 33 in a couple of months and the thought of it is freaking me out. Yes I know age is just a number and blah blah but I am amazed at the pace at which life is moving. It feels just like yesterday I was a carefree girl living in the moment, doing exactly what I pleased and suddenly I have responsibilities, things to think about, savings to make, a future to decide, people who I need to decide my future with.
During this time I have also developed new friendships. Some old friendships that have gotten sour. Some old friendships that have gotten stronger. Some old friendships that went through rough phases and emerged stronger and some new friendships that I hope to continue forever.
Personal travel has taken a backseat because as I mentioned earlier I am more conscious and have other responsibilities, but I plan to change this because traveling is my passion and all I need to do is plan better.
You know what's weird though? Life and incidents in it have made me insecure as person which I never was. I don't know if it is the unsure future, the lack of trust in individuals or the fact that its been so long that I've been independent I've forgotten what it is to trust other people and their decisions?
The worst feeling in the world is to be cheated upon. This doesn't only apply onto relationships it can be in any sphere of life. I think that is something that would break me and it would be really hard for be to bounce back. I appreciate people who tell me the truth on my face. It hurts but trust me I much prefer it cause at least its honest. Lies are the biggest form of betrayal that anyone can face and I try my level best to avoid lying to people.
Anyway, this was just another welcome back me, or a Hi! I'm alive post. More, hopefully optimistic stuff to be up soon
Say hello if you're still going to be reading and that will motivate me to continue writing

Until then!